Before I came to Al‑Anon, I felt that it was my job to make sure I kept my household running on an even keel. What an enormous job that was, especially living with an active alcoholic. I was on constant lookout for bottles and excuses, and I was ready to blame everyone else for how miserable my life was. I felt so alone. I thought no one else could possibly understand what my life was like. Then someone suggested that I go to Al‑Anon. Great, I thought, I can learn how to make my alcoholic stop drinking. I know now that I am not so different from newcomers who come to their first meetings.
I had to confront my own powerlessness. It was a relief to learn that I didn’t cause my loved one’s alcoholism, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. I can only learn to take care of myself. I had never known that I had choices, that I didn’t have to participate in all the same old dances and scenarios. Instead, I could go for a walk, take in a movie, go for coffee, or go to a meeting. My life is so different now. I only change what is mine to change—what I think, say, and do.
By Rose B., Rhode Island
The Forum, May 2019
What about an adult child whose drinking has resulted in his wife asking him to leave the house at least for now, maybe permanently?
He is staying with us and we are struggling with the fine line between helping him and enabling him.
My daughter is 27 and an alcoholic. I am not sure how active she is as she no longer lives with us. While I believe she’s cut back on drinking, she is still lying, making excuses and not taking accountability for her life. She was just fired from a job that I helped her get through some good friends. Unfortunately, my friend cannot (for legal reasons) share with me the reason(s) she was fired. What good would that do me anyway, right? He did say, “there is something deeper going on.” He doesn’t “know” what that is, of course. I’ve… Read more »
My son has gotten sooo bad. This summer/fall he has basically drank his way thru a few jobs. I found him this morning w/ 2 24 oz Steele Reserves, 1/2 way thru one @ 7:30 AM. He lives in my house on my dime, as do his 9 yr old daughter & 6 year old son. I have tried telling him to leave & leave the kids until he can support them. He tells me to “get the…out”. I would if I could afford the bills here & my own place to live, but I can’t. ( & IT”S MY… Read more »
Thank you Rose for your words. I’ve been burdened with my sister’s drinking for many years. Trying to help her, making excuses, begging her to get help, having her live with me for months after a near death illness due to alcohol. In retrospect, many times I only enabled her. Her last binge finally made her agree to detox. She was so weak she was in a wheelchair for days before graduating to a walker. She was released about a week ago and looks good. Unfortunately, there’s no indication she has followed up on any of her outpatient treatment and… Read more »
I grew up in a dysfunctional home as well. My father drank every day. I was a care giver that always smoothed all over. I was sexually abused when my father drank. My mother knew about my older sister being abused but did nothing to protect me. Now in a co dependent relationship, I feel lost. Seems like a pattern to me. My partner cares only about himself. I need to get out and obtain a healthy life. Something keeps me in an unloving relationship. I believe there is someone out there that is going to treat me like I… Read more »
Reading other spouses’ comments is enlightening. I’m not the only person dealing with this problem. The last couple of years with my husband’s drinking has progressed to a point that I simply don’t know what to do. He doesn’t think he has a problem, because he’s able to function at work and mostly drinks alone at home. I love him so much. We have three teenage children and have been married for 23 years. Also I’m disabled. So it’s a complicated situation. I don’t want to give up on him, because he’s always been there for me. I’ve tried talking… Read more »
GL…I’m going through the exact same situation with a high functional alcoholic husband of almost 40 years! I don’t know where to start or how to explain what we have been through but he too is getting louder with more mood swings as he gets older… he has been drinking everyday single day for YEARS.
I’m exhausted!!!
My spouse is high functioning as well. He is also very proud. His denial process is amazing. He thinks he does not have a problem. I am too old to continue to rescue him. Alanon is a huge help. I’m about to make an important decision.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost and powerless!
I need emotional support and coping strategies. My relationship with my spouse has reached a new level of loudness and emotional bullying. I’ve made the decision to stop covering it up. I observe and worry about the behavior-shift as the day moves on. Alas, I’m not ready to end the relationship of over 30 years until I’ve tried everything. He’s high-functioning in his work and takes care of our family financially. It would be disruptive to change our living situation at this age, our kids still need us. I’m disabled, which adds to stress in marriages. This is the other… Read more »