Navigating my husband’s sobriety
Often people think that once the drinker has found sobriety that everything will be great – no worries, just normal everyday life. While it is true, things are better without the drinking, both the sober alcoholic and the non‑drinking relatives find new problems and situations to navigate. In this video, an Al‑Anon member shares how her and her newly sober husband dealt with family reunions and friendly get‑togethers.
If your life has been affected by someone else’s alcoholism, we invite you to visit an Al‑Anon meeting. From our perspective, it doesn’t matter if your loved one is still actively drinking or if they are sober. If their drinking – past or present – bothers you, you are welcome at any Al‑Anon meeting.
For Al-Anon meeting information:
This interview was recorded at the 2018 Al‑Anon International Convention in Baltimore, Maryland, USA. Members were asked to share about various aspects of the Al‑Anon program and their personal experience.
Members’ anonymity is protected so that they can share openly and honestly about their experience with a loved one’s drinking and with the Al‑Anon program.
The opinions expressed in this video were strictly those of the person who gave them.
Video Transcript
Navigating my husband’s sobriety
MEMBER: A year after my husband got sober, we had to go to a wedding. And he had some health issues, so he had lost a ton of weight. And it was really, you know, “Oh there’s gonna be a lot of alcohol there,” and the family, and all the expectations. And we talked about it before hand. “Okay, let’s go in two cars,” in case he wanted to leave early, and I supported him through that. And some of our family members knew, because he was open about his recovery. And it was a hard time to be there with all the family asking questions and the alcohol, but because we had kind of said, “There’s a way out. We can leave or we can stay.” And other things, our socializing has changed a little bit. Our circle of friends that kind of alters, and I think a lot of it for me, is I give my husband the heads up. Like, “Oh, so and so has invited us to dinner, and they said other couples will be there,” and again, Al‑Anon has kind of given us, or at least given me, some guidelines; and I don’t have to follow them, but I keep them filed away as helpful tools for, you know, just dealing with situations.
MODERATOR: Yes, yeah definitely, by using those tools to help you, thank you.
Al-Anon Family Groups offer a large list of electronic meetings on a variety of platforms, including Zoom, Skype, WhatsApp, email, and phone. In addition, the meetings are available at all hours of the day, and some even 24 hours a day. Please visit our Electronic Meetings page https://staging.al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/ to access the different options.
Does anybody know a Zoom meeting for Wives of an alcoholic…? I am very new to this…I was recommended to find an Al anon meeting
I am newly married to a recovering alcoholic. We have known each other for years and reconnected. We got married a year ago August. We both have 3 kids. Mine are 32, 30 and 18–one at home. His are 26, 11 and 8- oldest has own house. Younger ones we are fighting for visitation. Daily struggles with 18 yr old- he doesn’t seem to have any patience. I am involved in Al-Anon- a year now. I don’t know what to do.
Death passed 03/13/2020
My husband fights his sobriety without a program white knuckling his days. I wish so hard I could help him but I know I can’t. He loses his fight with sobriety every few months for days of binging. He will disappear, stay in a hotel and to be honest I am glad he does. I do not want him home when he is drunk. He is a horrible drunk. A guilty drunk and seems to love wallowing in his own self inflicted despair. Every single time he loses this battle I anticipate it happening and am just filled with anxiety.… Read more »
Been married 34 years and being married to my husband has been a very lonely life. I’m just so tired. Mentally and Physically. He will never stop and I’m just so tired.
My husband is new to sobriety and he is very much floundering and down. He says he doesn’t know who he is without drinking and he doesn’t want to do anything. He barely talks and just mopes and puts himself down. I am struggling with not making it about me but he is normally very kind and affectionate and I feel like there is this wall now.
She is so great on the good days. Bad days come from nowhere and are usually synced with any periods of downtime. She’s always go go go go…. I have always been supportive, I don’t think I’ll ever stop, and I don’t want to, but I’d like to help her get the help she needs. Five years we have been doing this dance around her needing to do her 12 steps. Covid made me work away from home for long periods ever since March, I knew this was going to be a problem but we were going to have to… Read more »
I, too, am trying to navigate my husband’s new found sobriety. I find myself feeling like this isn’t gonna last and dealing with his stinking drinking thoughts and actions. It’s hard because I resort to my thoughts and actions from when he was drinking. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m scared. I’m new here and know my husband needs help. I didn’t realize that in this process I need help too but I’m so lost. How do you detach with love? How can you constantly basically remain in check when your husband is a drunk […]? I love the man he is sober. I’m just breaking….
Hi there I am new to the group , so I don’t make this long winded I have an alcoholic father and now an alcoholic spouse. We have two young children and he has been on and off drinking the past two years, he lies, hides alcohol and has started making dangerous choices getting behind the wheel etc. I am at my absolute wits end, he has been gaslighting me for so many years. I am a shell of the person I used to be. I look forward to speaking to you all and hoping this will help me with… Read more »
My boyfriend is an alcoholic and I don’t know what to do, we are having a kid on the way soon. I was hoping our kid would kick him into shape but it is not. I know I’m stupid to think that would. I wish I could understand what he’s going through but I don’t. He is on and off on wanting to be sober and the way I have seen him acting lately I can’t even recognize him anymore. He’s more angry, more aggressive and I don’t know where it came from. He says he wants help, he tries,… Read more »
In my case it’s drugs not alcohol he came home high today. It’s been really hard and on Saturday also. We just moved to Philly. Ever since it’s just the same things. I’m all alone here my family is all back home but even then I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want them to hate him for hurting me. This never happened back in Florida. I pray and hope that things get better but I feel like I’m going crazy. I just never thought at 26 this would be happening.
My husband is an alcoholic and has been in rehab 4 times, the covid has wreaked havoc with his sobriety, he hasn’t been able to attend his counseling meetings, suffering depression and ptsd from our son’s death. He has once again relapsed, trying to reach sobriety on his own, he is starting a new job today and I’m crossing my fingers he is able to stick with it. In the past he has drank during lunch or doing test drives with customers cars. I’m at my wits end, we do have a marriage counselor but that seems to be at… Read more »
My husband has had multiple relapses in his sobriety. My issues were many after stretches of sobriety. How do we trust and deal with issues when it’s not the alcohol that is the problem. We are gaining ground with my time in Al-Anon and his with counseling. But initially I didn’t know what to do. For you who are new. Realize the alcohol hides the demons that alcoholics deal with. It’s better but not over when the drinking is gone.
My husband is an alcoholic in denial. I am so tired of this. We are visiting his relatives and he starts drinking at 10am and in the early afternoon he’s on the floor and sleeps for 18 hours. I have to be left alone with his family answering their questions and explaining his behavior. In the next day he pretends that nothing happened and I’m the one with a problem. He already lost job, kids custody, tenants but keeps telling everyone that he doesn’t have a problem “as he used to have”. I can’t do this anymore, I lost all… Read more »
My husband is sober 16 months. I have been a grateful member of Al-Anon for 18 years. Thanks to working my program, I am able to provide understanding and encouragement to him without crossing over appropriate boundaries. One day at a time.
Al-Anon Family Groups offer a large list of electronic meetings on a variety of platforms, including Zoom, Skype, WhatsApp, email, and phone. In addition, the meetings are available at all hours of the day, and some even 24 hours a day. Please visit our Electronic Meetings page https://staging.al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/ to access the different options.
Boy oh boy ! When my husband stopped drinking I thought finally! Nope went back to drinking. Then I said this time for sure and nope he went back to drinking and then again and I thought nope not going to happen I don’t believe you. Was I in for a rude awakening so young so naive with two little toddlers! When he was finally ready to stay in AA I left because I had so much pain and no guidance. Now in Al-Anon I hope I can find peace, hope, and a shoulder to lean on to help me… Read more »
This is one of the biggest struggles in sobriety for us. My husband has 9 months of sobriety, no program and not in acceptance of sobriety. Even though he chose it. But because I now have established a boundary not to live in active alcoholism, and he thinks he could drink occasionally because now he knows what it’s like not to drink every day, social situations are especially hard for us as a couple. I’m not a huge drinker so it’s not like it bothers me to drink or not or who is drinking, but his disease really takes a… Read more »