It is said that we never get more than we can handle. This can be hard to believe as we watch the door slam shut on several years of marriage or sit in an emergency room with undeniably broken bones from the latest violent alcoholic episode. Sometimes we face up to a difficult situation at the first sign of trouble, but often we, who have been affected by someone else’s drinking, try to pretend that the problem doesn’t exist, or hope that it will go away. We may isolate ourselves, fearing other people’s reactions. Or we avoid talking about it, believing that the situation will become more real if we name it out loud. We might want to be aware, to know exactly what is going on, but we also want to avoid more bad news. This is a form of denial. When we are in denial we perceive a situation to be so threatening that we adapt by denying it exists in order to survive. We make the best choice we can according to the world we see. Sometimes only a crisis can break through our denial. As the situation worsens, facing the truth often becomes the better choice.

At other times, awareness comes to us slowly and gently, and we have the luxury of relinquishing denial little by little, replacing it with the sense of security that frequently develops in Al‑Anon, regardless of our problems. Identifying with other members as they face their own truths, seeing the courage all around us, and being totally free from pressure to do it “the right way” encourages us to feel safe. As that feeling grows, long‑buried awareness can begin to awaken within us. For some, memories of an alcoholic’s verbal or physical abuse suddenly erupt into consciousness after being lost for many years. We may not welcome these memories; we may even actively resist them. Awareness can be very upsetting when it shatters our old ideas about ourselves and others.